Have you ever had a burrito? If you have you’ll understand what I’m about to say, If you haven’t GO AND GET ONE and eat it in complete privacy.
Twice this week I have failed the “eat a burrito on a busy train” test so I feel compelled to talk about my ordeal. I don’t know about you but there’s just something so tempting about burritos. It’s like when you’re running out of good ingredients at home and you end up making some kind of cheesy, bean, mayonnaise pizza with a side of packet noodles. It’s a whole bunch of crap thrown together and it doesn’t look like it should taste good but dear god it does.
They’re not the cheapest lunch so really as a tiny and broke human being I shouldn’t really buy these wonderful huge wrapped up pieces of heaven. There is one main problem with this giant fast food; it’s not the price, the size or even the preparation time. It’s the messy act of eating it. Why is it that they put burrito places so near (or even inside) train stations? Don’t be fooled by the neatly packaged cylinder. That foil will not save you. A million napkins may soften the blow but you will end up with the mixture in your hair, eyelashes and encrusted in your clothes. Busy public transport + messy food = the deepest part of hell. There’s something about the act of eating a burrito that screams MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME. Listen general public, you might be thinking “ugh god how can she eat such a giant wrap” or “what is that disgusting green stuff on her face” but I want you to know I am hungrier than you could imagine and the green stuff is guacamole you ignorant toad.
So I, being the helpful human that I am have decided to create a step by step guide on how to eat a burrito in public:
1. Buy a burrito: You might think going for the least sloppy option will help but you’re wrong, your burrito will find a way to ooze it’s evil all over you anyway. Get whatever you want inside. Always get guacamole. Don’t ask why, just do it, it’s delicious.
2. Ask the kind burrito assembler if they have any napkins. These will help you later.
3. When you have been shown the location of the napkins, take 400. Save the trees? If the trees had ever eaten a burrito they would understand why they have to die.
4. Avoid busy trains. If you can’t avoid busy trains, avoid eye contact. Things are going to get unpleasantly intimate with whoever has the misfortune to be sat across from you. This person does not want to see you ingest 4 pounds of Mexican heaven and trust me, you don’t want to see them seeing this either. Just don’t look at them, look at the burrito and only the burrito.
5. Take little tiny bites. Lots and lots of little tiny bites followed by dabs and wipes using your many napkins.
6. Burrito anatomy in my case always seems to be the same. There is always one side of the burrito that is sloppier. The side that has absorbed the guacamole, the salsa and the sour cream will be far sloppier than the side containing rice. Eat a bite of the sloppy side then a bite of the ricey side and repeat until finished.
7. Roll up the foil and hide the evidence of the whole burrito experience.
There is one other first step you can take to prevent a messy face in a train full of strangers. If you’re thinking of buying a burrito to eat in public: don’t.
Image found on Flickr by Ross Bruniges, no changes were made and the image can be found here: https://www.flickr.com/photos/thecssdiv/