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Black Tights: The Highest of All Taboos

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I’ve seen a lot of posts in the past month or so, shunning the wearers of black tights. I fail to see the problem. What’s so wrong with black tights?

How dare I cover my cold, possibly hairy, chubby, little, pale legs up when I wear a skirt shorter than my attention span? I only want the public to see what’s outside of the skirt but the wind doesn’t always agree. If you think for one second that I’m going to follow the rules of fashion when it’s essentially the rapture in weather form outside, you are very, very wrong. Have you tried wearing jeans in the rain? it feels like somebody has soaked a bundle of those rough ‘paper towels’ you dried you hands with in school and taped them to your legs. Skinny jeans + rain = the most uncomfortable experience of your life.
Please get off your hosiery high horse, black tights are a godsend. Without black tights, the poor unfortunate souls in primarily cold countries -me- couldn’t possibly continue to wear little dresses, skirts and shorts through the autumn and winter months. When I see girls outside, waiting in queues for nightclubs I want to run up to them and ask”What’s your secret on not developing pneumonia?!” while throwing a blanket onto their shivering legs. We must consider of course that most girls in nightclubs can’t feel the cold because the’ve ingested the liquid central heating that is alcohol.
Black tights may appear to only excel in practicality -fashion isn’t supposed to be practical or comfortable, it’s supposed to look good- so forgive me for thinking that black tights could ever be stylish. I see a black or white dress with black tights and a pop of red lipstick and almost bow down to the wearer for their effortless ensemble. There are so many ways to wear them; denim shorts and black tights, denim skirts and black tights, dungaree dresses and black tights, big baggy shirts and black tights, it all works! Black tights to fashion are what potatoes are to dining, they go with everything.

Let’s not shun black tights anymore. They’re cheap (great for those who are broke like myself), warm and they go with everything. Let’s worship black tights for allowing us to wear those totally unsuitable for the weather outfits and buy them in bulk forevermore.

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